What do you think of the start of my book?

baby lisa backpack image

Belle

"Jamie, where is your shoe?" Aria asked her younger brother. He shrugged, and ran off into the kitchen to look there. Aria grumbled, mumbling something about him always losing his things.

Nathan, Aria's foster brother, walked into her bedroom, "I found it, it was in the bookcase. That kid really needs to have his shoes taped to his feet."

Aria laughed, "I have a feeling he would find a way to lose them anyway. Hey, where's Lisa?"

"I think she's with Jamie, in the kitchen."

Aria nodded,"Hurry up, we can't be late to school again," she said as she grabbed Nathan's backpack.
She quickly gave herself a once over in the mirror, ran her fingers through her thick, wavy blonde hair, and left the room. "Jamie, lets go!"

Jamie came, tripping over his own feet, his goofy smile making Aria laugh. "Come on buddy, we cant miss the bus. Nathan, we'll meet you outside," she said before walking out the front door.

Nathan quickly joined Aria and Jamie at the bus corner, and the three of them boarded, and left for school. A few stops later, Jamie gave his sister a hug, got off the buss, and headed for Mrs. Albony's second grade class.

As always, Aria watched him go until she couldnt see him anymore. As the bus pulled in front of her school, she kissed Nathan on the forehead, and walked to first period English.

A tiny, petite red-head jumped in front of Aria, grabbing her wrists "Okay, loving the scarf, but the jeans are so not flattering. You're curvy, so drop the Walmart jeans, and wear something to show it. Oh, and the top, totally brings out your baby blue eyes."

"Mariah, now that you are don't insulting my pants, can we go and sit?"

"Fine. But your *** still looks bad." Mariah said before winking, and dancing to her seat. Aria laughed, and sat in her desk.

A large, grey haired woman entered the classroom. "Alright class, today we will have an assignment. You will all be pared with someone-" she was quickly cut off by the conversations of teenagers, as they began to partner up.

Aria quickly looked at Mariah, and they locked eyes. Mariah mouthed "easy A". Mrs. Henry slammed her hands on her desk, regaining order to her classroom. "You will be assigned partners," she stressed the word assigned. Each student groaned as if their dreams had just been crushed.

Mrs. Henry smiled, "Okay, each group will be assigned a fairy tale, and research the story. You will each write a six page report about the story, and present the report to the class, retelling the tale in your own words." The teacher snatched the clipboard off her desk, and began to read the names of the partners. Aria listened for her's and Mariah's names. "Aria Capener and Peter Bellson, your story will be peter pan, Mariah Lynn, you are with Cassandra Meyer, and you will research Hansel and Gretel."

Aria sighed heavily, and felt her A walk out. After Mrs. Henry finished the list, she smiled "The next thirty or so minutes will be with your partner, discussing your story. I want to hear nothing else besides fairy tales." Mrs. Henry sat at her desk, pulled out a book, and began to read.

Aria sunk deeper into her seat, and hoped to be ignored. A sudden tap on her shoulder told her she wasn't going to be so lucky. "Hey Darling, so your my partner, lucky you." A shaggy blonde boy slid onto her desk, his deep blue eyes stared at her.

Aria laughed "Wow, cocky, lucky me. So if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you got the heck off my desk, and we get this project done as soon as possible."

He flashed her a sexy grin "But if we get this done so quickly, how will I get to know you?"

"You don't. Now, Peter Pan, perfect. A story about a young, insecure, smart-alec who was incredibly selfish, and a bratty attitude. Great." Aria mumbled.

Peter stared at her "I don't know, he seems deeper than that. His family forgot about him, he needed to escape. Which is what he found in neverland."

"But that doesn't excuse the fact that boy has a serious attitude problem. The whole story is silly, I mean fairies, and mermaids, and pirates. Its all goofy bedtime stories."

"Not always, the story is about enjoying your childhood, and not trying to grow up so quickly."

Aria stared at him "yeah well sometimes your forced to grow up early."

"What do you mean Darling?" he asked her.

She quickly looked away, "Nothing. Lets just figure out what we already know about the tale, and start from there. And stop calling me Darling!"

He laughed, "Whatever you say."

Answer
I really like it, I think it's a good start. I noticed you spelled bus wrong once and I think you put don't instead of done too. Just thought I'd let you know :)

What do you think of the start of my book? THANK YOU :)?

Belle

He wiped away her tears with his dirty, unwashed hands. "Please don't cry," he pleaded.
"I can't help it, I don't want you to leave, who will I tell stories to?" Wendy whimpered.
He laughed slightly, causing golden dust to shake from his shaggy blonde hair, "I will come back, we need a mother to do our spring cleaning, and I will always listen to your stories. Besides, Tink would miss you too much," a quiet tinker of bells sounded out an angry protest.
Wendy pulled him into a tight hug, trying to hold her tears back.
A pair of footsteps outside the door made him jump up, and bolt for the window. He and the tiny fairy flew off into the night, reminding Wendy of that second star, that gave her beautiful adventures.



"Jamie, where is your shoe?" Aria asked her younger brother. He shrugged, and ran off into the kitchen to look there. Aria grumbled, mumbling something about him always losing his things.

Nathan, Aria's foster brother, walked into her bedroom, "I found it, it was in the bookcase. That kid really needs to have his shoes taped to his feet."

Aria laughed, "I have a feeling he would find a way to lose them anyway. Hey, where's Lisa?"

"I think she's with Jamie, in the kitchen."

Aria nodded,"Hurry up, we can't be late to school again," she said as she grabbed Nathan's backpack.
She quickly gave herself a once over in the mirror, ran her fingers through her thick, wavy blonde hair, and left the room. "Jamie, lets go!"

Jamie came, tripping over his own feet, his goofy smile making Aria laugh. "Come on buddy, we cant miss the bus. Nathan, we'll meet you outside," she said before walking out the front door.

Nathan quickly joined Aria and Jamie at the bus corner, and the three of them boarded, and left for school. A few stops later, Jamie gave his sister a hug, got off the buss, and headed for Mrs. Albony's second grade class.

As always, Aria watched him go until she couldnt see him anymore. As the bus pulled in front of her school, she kissed Nathan on the forehead, and walked to first period English.

A tiny, petite red-head jumped in front of Aria, grabbing her wrists "Okay, loving the scarf, but the jeans are so not flattering. You're curvy, so drop the Walmart jeans, and wear something to show it. Oh, and the top, totally brings out your baby blue eyes."

"Mariah, now that you are don't insulting my pants, can we go and sit?"

"Fine. But your *** still looks bad." Mariah said before winking, and dancing to her seat. Aria laughed, and sat in her desk.

A large, grey haired woman entered the classroom. "Alright class, today we will have an assignment. You will all be pared with someone-" she was quickly cut off by the conversations of teenagers, as they began to partner up.

Aria quickly looked at Mariah, and they locked eyes. Mariah mouthed "easy A". Mrs. Henry slammed her hands on her desk, regaining order to her classroom. "You will be assigned partners," she stressed the word assigned. Each student groaned as if their dreams had just been crushed.

Mrs. Henry smiled, "Okay, each group will be assigned a fairy tale, and research the story. You will each write a six page report about the story, and present the report to the class, retelling the tale in your own words." The teacher snatched the clipboard off her desk, and began to read the names of the partners. Aria listened for her's and Mariah's names. "Aria Capener and Peter Bellson, your story will be peter pan, Mariah Lynn, you are with Cassandra Meyer, and you will research Hansel and Gretel."

Aria sighed heavily, and felt her A walk out. After Mrs. Henry finished the list, she smiled "The next thirty or so minutes will be with your partner, discussing your story. I want to hear nothing else besides fairy tales." Mrs. Henry sat at her desk, pulled out a book, and began to read.

Aria sunk deeper into her seat, and hoped to be ignored. A sudden tap on her shoulder told her she wasn't going to be so lucky. "Hey Darling, so your my partner, lucky you." A shaggy blonde boy slid onto her desk, his deep blue eyes stared at her.

Aria laughed "Wow, cocky, lucky me. So if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you got the heck off my desk, and we get this project done as soon as possible."

He flashed her a sexy grin "But if we get this done so quickly, how will I get to know you?"

"You don't. Now, Peter Pan, perfect. A story about a young, insecure, smart-alec who was incredibly selfish, and a bratty attitude. Great." Aria mumbled.
Peter stared at her "I don't know, he seems deeper than that. His family forgot about him, he needed to escape. Which is what he found in neverland."

"But that doesn't excuse the fact that boy has a serious attitude problem. The whole story is silly, I mean fairies, and mermaids, and pirates. Its all goofy bedtime stories."

"Not always, the story is about enjoying your childhood, and not trying to grow up so quickly."

Aria stared at him "yeah well sometimes your forced to grow up early."

"What do you mean Darling?" he asked her.

She quickly looked away, "Nothing. Lets just figure out what we already know about the tale, and start from there. And stop calling me Darling!"
He laughed, "Whatever you say."

Answer
ok so three things:

1)
The story is long and doesn't get to the point until the end. By the end the plot has started to form a story: that's no good.

Most of this story could be trimmed down by starting at the classroom with peter instead of the bus stop with her friends. Nothing of major importance would be lost and the story would be shorter, more to the point and more interesting.

2) The names of some characters seem out of place, like from a medieval fantasy world. Aria for example; it sounds exotic and unrealistic compared to peter. A better name for her would be Anna, considering she is living in a modern day world.

3) The dialogue between characters feels a little clunky and forced. Would someone in real life walk up to you and say:

"Okay, loving the scarf, but the jeans are so not flattering. You're curvy, so drop the Walmart jeans, and wear something to show it. Oh, and the top, totally brings out your baby blue eyes."

Somehow i doubt it. That sounds forced and contrived. You can make the story more realistic by having a dialogue between the two characters:

Aria sat next to Maria.
"hey Maria, how do i look?"
"hi Aria, i like your scarf but the jeans not so much. Your curvy so drop those jeans and wear something to show it off. Oh and that baby blue top looks good, it matches colors with your eyes"

That's a more realistic and natural conversation between two characters, while giving information to the reader.

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Title Post: What do you think of the start of my book?
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