sfhc21
As soon as you pick her up and start walking around, everything is fine. She smiles, laughs. But as soon as you put her down, she starts crying and won't stop till you pick her up. From what I've seen, there are two answers:
1. You can't spoil a child. Keep holding her..
2. You are spoling her too much. Set her down and let her cry.
Both sides are extreme...To me, it seems there needs to be a balance. So what's the solution from some of you in the middle. How did you get through this time?
Answer
Well the middle ground is to a) use a baby carrier so you have your hands free or b) find something to amuse the baby such as a jolly jumper, swing, bouncer, exersaucer, gym, arch, toys, or even yes if it is a choice between this and your sanity TV/videos.
And I know it is cliche but this will pass soon. Soon she will be crawling/scooting/rolling/more easily grab things and able to entertain herself for short periods of time.
If she has good head control which usually happens at 4 months then you can use a backpack carrier and things like the jolly jumper (or whatever it's called in the US jumperoo?)
And it isn't true that if you don't force them to be independent they will be clingy. Lots of studies have proven that attachment parenting where you do carry them around almost all the time, and co sleep until they choose not to causes kids to be more independent. I know I rarely put my son down and now that he can walk and crawl he wants nothing to do with me. *lol* Except when it's time to feed.
Think about it this way:
If you are on a diet and you tell yourself no more chocolate (or whatever your favourite food is). And you don't have it in the house and you go without it for weeks how often do you think about chocolate. How often do you want it. Then one day you have some, how much do you eat?
Then let's say a different time you go to the day after Valentine's Day sale and you buy more chocolate than you could reasonably eat. It's in your closet for gifts, there is an open box or two. Sure at first you may eat a fair bit, but quickly you stop thinking about it all the time, you eat less of it, you may even get sick of it and not want it all together.
If you "fill up" your daughter's need for contact now then she won't need as much later. She won't feel that she has to test all the time to make sure you are there and will hold her. She knows you will. She knows every time she needs you there you are, so why test it? Does this mean you have to make yourself miserable NO. You need to find a balance that works for BOTH of you. Balance YOUR needs vs HER needs. Can I tell you what that balance is? Nope. I'm not you and I have never met your daughter.
Find the balance, find what works and you won't have a clingy child because of it. Can I guarantee at 9 months she'll walk away and rarely look back, no. Because she is her and my son is himself. But I do promise she will learn Independence and self-soothing in her own time, just as she learned to smile, and laugh, blow kisses and clap. Yes you need to provide opportunities to learn. Some AP mommas go too far and will never put their kids down even when their child wants to learn to crawl or play with that neat toy when they are 8, 9, or sometimes a year old. But if you take a balanced approach filling her up without wearing you out that will be the optimal thing for her and you and she will get there at the right time for her, rather than be clingy because of over-indulgence or under-attention.
Well the middle ground is to a) use a baby carrier so you have your hands free or b) find something to amuse the baby such as a jolly jumper, swing, bouncer, exersaucer, gym, arch, toys, or even yes if it is a choice between this and your sanity TV/videos.
And I know it is cliche but this will pass soon. Soon she will be crawling/scooting/rolling/more easily grab things and able to entertain herself for short periods of time.
If she has good head control which usually happens at 4 months then you can use a backpack carrier and things like the jolly jumper (or whatever it's called in the US jumperoo?)
And it isn't true that if you don't force them to be independent they will be clingy. Lots of studies have proven that attachment parenting where you do carry them around almost all the time, and co sleep until they choose not to causes kids to be more independent. I know I rarely put my son down and now that he can walk and crawl he wants nothing to do with me. *lol* Except when it's time to feed.
Think about it this way:
If you are on a diet and you tell yourself no more chocolate (or whatever your favourite food is). And you don't have it in the house and you go without it for weeks how often do you think about chocolate. How often do you want it. Then one day you have some, how much do you eat?
Then let's say a different time you go to the day after Valentine's Day sale and you buy more chocolate than you could reasonably eat. It's in your closet for gifts, there is an open box or two. Sure at first you may eat a fair bit, but quickly you stop thinking about it all the time, you eat less of it, you may even get sick of it and not want it all together.
If you "fill up" your daughter's need for contact now then she won't need as much later. She won't feel that she has to test all the time to make sure you are there and will hold her. She knows you will. She knows every time she needs you there you are, so why test it? Does this mean you have to make yourself miserable NO. You need to find a balance that works for BOTH of you. Balance YOUR needs vs HER needs. Can I tell you what that balance is? Nope. I'm not you and I have never met your daughter.
Find the balance, find what works and you won't have a clingy child because of it. Can I guarantee at 9 months she'll walk away and rarely look back, no. Because she is her and my son is himself. But I do promise she will learn Independence and self-soothing in her own time, just as she learned to smile, and laugh, blow kisses and clap. Yes you need to provide opportunities to learn. Some AP mommas go too far and will never put their kids down even when their child wants to learn to crawl or play with that neat toy when they are 8, 9, or sometimes a year old. But if you take a balanced approach filling her up without wearing you out that will be the optimal thing for her and you and she will get there at the right time for her, rather than be clingy because of over-indulgence or under-attention.
What would you do differently?
rainbow
I'm going to be a first time mom and I'm doing a search about all the things that are really necessary in my baby's nursery room. If you have to do it again in what you would spend money or not at all? Besides my questions I appreciate other comments/suggestions that you can add. Thank you.
Newborn:
1. travel system stroller vs Snugrider Snap n Go or else?
2. Crib and Nice bed vs Convertible Crib?
3. Bassinet, Infant Rest or Moses Basket. How many of you put the baby to sleep with you?
4. Baby slings, carriers or else
5. Someone mention that they put a small radio, monitor and a tv. Do you think is something necessary?
6. Diaper Genie or similar vs just a regular trash can?
Answer
I would never buy a quilt set for the crib. They just don't use quilts when they're little.
I would get LARGE receiving blankets. They're great for swaddling. If you learn how to swaddle correctly (see the Happiest Baby on the block, or the associated video) you won't need a swaddling gimmick which just costs money. By about 2 months old, we stopped swaddling our little guy's feet and by about 4 months, he was out of the swaddle all together (Over time I weaned him from it).
We got just a regular crib. I figured if we have another baby, that baby will need the crib and we'll get a bed for our first born.
I didn't get a travel system. We bought a good stroller with big inflatable tires because it can go ANYWHERE (It's a BOB Revolution stroller). I was told to NOT keep your baby in the carseat when not in the car because it can affect their spine (which can ultimately affect their digestion and movement) so a travel system is pointless. We got a convertible carseat by Britax. He can stay rear facing in this seat from birth to whatever age. We're keeping him RFing until at least 2 yo.
I got a used bassinet from a garage sale for $10. It had a vibration mode which was great. It was a great purchase since I lived out on the couch for the first 3 months (that way I could watch tv while I breastfed in the middle of the night - each session was about 45 minutes long). I did bring my baby to sleep with me during the days, when my husband was at work but not when he was home since he's a very deep sleeper.
I LOVE my baby slings and wraps and backpack carrier. I made a moby-like wrap, I bought a maya wrap and I bought a Phil and Teds Metro backpack carrier used. The moby was fantastic for very early on. The maya wrap was great to use when going shopping. You can also seat them in it facing forward, which is nice once they get older. I started using the backpack when my son was 3 months and still use it now (15months). We can interact much more than if he were in a forward facing stroller, which makes both of us happier. Also, now that he's walking - he doesn't want to be in the stroller as much but he'll gladly stay in the carrier so I can get more done.
I would have been more paranoid has I had a video monitor. A friend of mine lost her son (same age as my son) from SIDS at 4.5 months. I got really crazy with checking on my son after that - it would have been way worse if I had a monitor where I could have watched him ALL the time. I do have a cd player in his room and I ALWAYS play music for him before he goes to sleep. He asks for the music now and has just started picking what cd he wants to listen to before bed. Music + crib + sleep sack = sleep time... which brings me to:
Sleep sacks. I have been putting him in them since I stopped swaddling him and so once he sees the sleep sack, he knows he gets story time, milk time and then it's down for bed. I love the sacks because then you don't have to have a blanket in the crib at all, which for us is great because my son throws it of himself right away but then would get cold (especially in the winter).
I don't have a diaper genie - just a garbage with a lid. I also mostly cloth diaper although we use disposables at night. It's a little stinky but I didn't see the point in getting one.The lid blocks the stink enough.
I suggest getting a lot of picture board books - with just one picture per page. My son loves those books and we started looking at them really early on. He started to recognize pictures of dogs and cats and babies at a very early stage and would smile. Now that he's 15 months, he 'reads' to himself a lot. He still looks at the very simple board books as well as more detailed one too (he still doesn't get to have paper paged books when 'reading' to himself yet because they would be all torn up lol). A good collection of board books and/or a library card I say, is a must.
Are you going to breastfeed? I highly recommend Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding, Revised Edition book. Also, find out where lactation consultants are located just in case you need to use one. I highly suggest at least getting a handheld pump so you can have a little time to go out and someone else can parent/babysit. I also suggest getting bamboo breastpads.... if you aren't planning on breastfeeding, just ignore ;)
I would not spend money on a wipes warmer, a bottle warmer (especially if you're breastfeeding), a fancy bassinet, an expensive pack 'n play, a fancy swing, a vibrating bouncy chair. Both the swing and the bouncy chairs are hit and miss for babies - my son didn't like either.
I would be a highchair that changed heights, a travel chair (if you visit a lot), and a baby bouncer - it'll give you some place to put junior when they're more mobile and you have to pee. I hate our exersaucer though - they're loud (thank goodness it was given to us! I would have been so upset had I spent a fortune on it lol).
I would never buy a quilt set for the crib. They just don't use quilts when they're little.
I would get LARGE receiving blankets. They're great for swaddling. If you learn how to swaddle correctly (see the Happiest Baby on the block, or the associated video) you won't need a swaddling gimmick which just costs money. By about 2 months old, we stopped swaddling our little guy's feet and by about 4 months, he was out of the swaddle all together (Over time I weaned him from it).
We got just a regular crib. I figured if we have another baby, that baby will need the crib and we'll get a bed for our first born.
I didn't get a travel system. We bought a good stroller with big inflatable tires because it can go ANYWHERE (It's a BOB Revolution stroller). I was told to NOT keep your baby in the carseat when not in the car because it can affect their spine (which can ultimately affect their digestion and movement) so a travel system is pointless. We got a convertible carseat by Britax. He can stay rear facing in this seat from birth to whatever age. We're keeping him RFing until at least 2 yo.
I got a used bassinet from a garage sale for $10. It had a vibration mode which was great. It was a great purchase since I lived out on the couch for the first 3 months (that way I could watch tv while I breastfed in the middle of the night - each session was about 45 minutes long). I did bring my baby to sleep with me during the days, when my husband was at work but not when he was home since he's a very deep sleeper.
I LOVE my baby slings and wraps and backpack carrier. I made a moby-like wrap, I bought a maya wrap and I bought a Phil and Teds Metro backpack carrier used. The moby was fantastic for very early on. The maya wrap was great to use when going shopping. You can also seat them in it facing forward, which is nice once they get older. I started using the backpack when my son was 3 months and still use it now (15months). We can interact much more than if he were in a forward facing stroller, which makes both of us happier. Also, now that he's walking - he doesn't want to be in the stroller as much but he'll gladly stay in the carrier so I can get more done.
I would have been more paranoid has I had a video monitor. A friend of mine lost her son (same age as my son) from SIDS at 4.5 months. I got really crazy with checking on my son after that - it would have been way worse if I had a monitor where I could have watched him ALL the time. I do have a cd player in his room and I ALWAYS play music for him before he goes to sleep. He asks for the music now and has just started picking what cd he wants to listen to before bed. Music + crib + sleep sack = sleep time... which brings me to:
Sleep sacks. I have been putting him in them since I stopped swaddling him and so once he sees the sleep sack, he knows he gets story time, milk time and then it's down for bed. I love the sacks because then you don't have to have a blanket in the crib at all, which for us is great because my son throws it of himself right away but then would get cold (especially in the winter).
I don't have a diaper genie - just a garbage with a lid. I also mostly cloth diaper although we use disposables at night. It's a little stinky but I didn't see the point in getting one.The lid blocks the stink enough.
I suggest getting a lot of picture board books - with just one picture per page. My son loves those books and we started looking at them really early on. He started to recognize pictures of dogs and cats and babies at a very early stage and would smile. Now that he's 15 months, he 'reads' to himself a lot. He still looks at the very simple board books as well as more detailed one too (he still doesn't get to have paper paged books when 'reading' to himself yet because they would be all torn up lol). A good collection of board books and/or a library card I say, is a must.
Are you going to breastfeed? I highly recommend Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding, Revised Edition book. Also, find out where lactation consultants are located just in case you need to use one. I highly suggest at least getting a handheld pump so you can have a little time to go out and someone else can parent/babysit. I also suggest getting bamboo breastpads.... if you aren't planning on breastfeeding, just ignore ;)
I would not spend money on a wipes warmer, a bottle warmer (especially if you're breastfeeding), a fancy bassinet, an expensive pack 'n play, a fancy swing, a vibrating bouncy chair. Both the swing and the bouncy chairs are hit and miss for babies - my son didn't like either.
I would be a highchair that changed heights, a travel chair (if you visit a lot), and a baby bouncer - it'll give you some place to put junior when they're more mobile and you have to pee. I hate our exersaucer though - they're loud (thank goodness it was given to us! I would have been so upset had I spent a fortune on it lol).
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Title Post: 4 Month Old Starts Crying When Not Held?
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