What do you think of the start of my book? please help :)?

baby lisa backpack image

Belle

"Jamie, where is your shoe?" Aria asked her younger brother. He shrugged, and ran off into the kitchen to look there. Aria grumbled, mumbling something about him always losing his things.

Nathan, Aria's foster brother, walked into her bedroom, "I found it, it was in the bookcase. That kid really needs to have his shoes taped to his feet."

Aria laughed, "I have a feeling he would find a way to lose them anyway. Hey, where's Lisa?"

"I think she's with Jamie, in the kitchen."

Aria nodded,"Hurry up, we can't be late to school again," she said as she grabbed Nathan's backpack.
She quickly gave herself a once over in the mirror, ran her fingers through her thick, wavy blonde hair, and left the room. "Jamie, lets go!"

Jamie came, tripping over his own feet, his goofy smile making Aria laugh. "Come on buddy, we cant miss the bus. Nathan, we'll meet you outside," she said before walking out the front door.

Nathan quickly joined Aria and Jamie at the bus corner, and the three of them boarded, and left for school. A few stops later, Jamie gave his sister a hug, got off the buss, and headed for Mrs. Albony's second grade class.

As always, Aria watched him go until she couldnt see him anymore. As the bus pulled in front of her school, she kissed Nathan on the forehead, and walked to first period English.

A tiny, petite red-head jumped in front of Aria, grabbing her wrists "Okay, loving the scarf, but the jeans are so not flattering. You're curvy, so drop the Walmart jeans, and wear something to show it. Oh, and the top, totally brings out your baby blue eyes."

"Mariah, now that you are don't insulting my pants, can we go and sit?"

"Fine. But your ass still looks bad." Mariah said before winking, and dancing to her seat. Aria laughed, and sat in her desk.

A large, grey haired woman entered the classroom. "Alright class, today we will have an assignment. You will all be pared with someone-" she was quickly cut off by the conversations of teenagers, as they began to partner up.

Aria quickly looked at Mariah, and they locked eyes. Mariah mouthed "easy A". Mrs. Henry slammed her hands on her desk, regaining order to her classroom. "You will be assigned partners," she stressed the word assigned. Each student groaned as if their dreams had just been crushed.

Mrs. Henry smiled, "Okay, each group will be assigned a fairy tale, and research the story. You will each write a six page report about the story, and present the report to the class, retelling the tale in your own words." The teacher snatched the clipboard off her desk, and began to read the names of the partners. Aria listened for her's and Mariah's names. "Aria Capener and Peter Bellson, your story will be peter pan, Mariah Lynn, you are with Cassandra Meyer, and you will research Hansel and Gretel."

Aria sighed heavily, and felt her A walk out. After Mrs. Henry finished the list, she smiled "The next thirty or so minutes will be with your partner, discussing your story. I want to hear nothing else besides fairy tales." Mrs. Henry sat at her desk, pulled out a book, and began to read.

Aria sunk deeper into her seat, and hoped to be ignored. A sudden tap on her shoulder told her she wasn't going to be so lucky. "Hey Darling, so your my partner, lucky you." A shaggy blonde boy slid onto her desk, his deep blue eyes stared at her.

Aria laughed "Wow, cocky, lucky me. So if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you got the heck off my desk, and we get this project done as soon as possible."

He flashed her a sexy grin "But if we get this done so quickly, how will I get to know you?"

"You don't. Now, Peter Pan, perfect. A story about a young, insecure, smart-alec who was incredibly selfish, and a bratty attitude. Great." Aria mumbled.

Peter stared at her "I don't know, he seems deeper than that. His family forgot about him, he needed to escape. Which is what he found in neverland."

"But that doesn't excuse the fact that boy has a serious attitude problem. The whole story is silly, I mean fairies, and mermaids, and pirates. Its all goofy bedtime stories."

"Not always, the story is about enjoying your childhood, and not trying to grow up so quickly."

Aria stared at him "yeah well sometimes your forced to grow up early."

"What do you mean Darling?" he asked her.

She quickly looked away, "Nothing. Lets just figure out what we already know about the tale, and start from there. And stop calling me Darling!"

He laughed, "Whatever you say."

Answer
This is really good but perhaps spending mote focusing on description? You have the talking side but bot enough description it is very good by the way

What do you think of the start of my book? THANK YOU :)?

Belle

"Jamie, where is your shoe?" Aria asked her younger brother. He shrugged, and ran off into the kitchen to look there. Aria grumbled, mumbling something about him always losing his things.

Nathan, Aria's foster brother, walked into her bedroom, "I found it, it was in the bookcase. That kid really needs to have his shoes taped to his feet."

Aria laughed, "I have a feeling he would find a way to lose them anyway. Hey, where's Lisa?"

"I think she's with Jamie, in the kitchen."

Aria nodded,"Hurry up, we can't be late to school again," she said as she grabbed Nathan's backpack.
She quickly gave herself a once over in the mirror, ran her fingers through her thick, wavy blonde hair, and left the room. "Jamie, lets go!"

Jamie came, tripping over his own feet, his goofy smile making Aria laugh. "Come on buddy, we cant miss the bus. Nathan, we'll meet you outside," she said before walking out the front door.

Nathan quickly joined Aria and Jamie at the bus corner, and the three of them boarded, and left for school. A few stops later, Jamie gave his sister a hug, got off the buss, and headed for Mrs. Albony's second grade class.

As always, Aria watched him go until she couldnt see him anymore. As the bus pulled in front of her school, she kissed Nathan on the forehead, and walked to first period English.

A tiny, petite red-head jumped in front of Aria, grabbing her wrists "Okay, loving the scarf, but the jeans are so not flattering. You're curvy, so drop the Walmart jeans, and wear something to show it. Oh, and the top, totally brings out your baby blue eyes."

"Mariah, now that you are don't insulting my pants, can we go and sit?"

"Fine. But your *** still looks bad." Mariah said before winking, and dancing to her seat. Aria laughed, and sat in her desk.

A large, grey haired woman entered the classroom. "Alright class, today we will have an assignment. You will all be pared with someone-" she was quickly cut off by the conversations of teenagers, as they began to partner up.

Aria quickly looked at Mariah, and they locked eyes. Mariah mouthed "easy A". Mrs. Henry slammed her hands on her desk, regaining order to her classroom. "You will be assigned partners," she stressed the word assigned. Each student groaned as if their dreams had just been crushed.

Mrs. Henry smiled, "Okay, each group will be assigned a fairy tale, and research the story. You will each write a six page report about the story, and present the report to the class, retelling the tale in your own words." The teacher snatched the clipboard off her desk, and began to read the names of the partners. Aria listened for her's and Mariah's names. "Aria Capener and Peter Bellson, your story will be peter pan, Mariah Lynn, you are with Cassandra Meyer, and you will research Hansel and Gretel."

Aria sighed heavily, and felt her A walk out. After Mrs. Henry finished the list, she smiled "The next thirty or so minutes will be with your partner, discussing your story. I want to hear nothing else besides fairy tales." Mrs. Henry sat at her desk, pulled out a book, and began to read.

Aria sunk deeper into her seat, and hoped to be ignored. A sudden tap on her shoulder told her she wasn't going to be so lucky. "Hey Darling, so your my partner, lucky you." A shaggy blonde boy slid onto her desk, his deep blue eyes stared at her.

Aria laughed "Wow, cocky, lucky me. So if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you got the heck off my desk, and we get this project done as soon as possible."

He flashed her a sexy grin "But if we get this done so quickly, how will I get to know you?"

"You don't. Now, Peter Pan, perfect. A story about a young, insecure, smart-alec who was incredibly selfish, and a bratty attitude. Great." Aria mumbled.

Peter stared at her "I don't know, he seems deeper than that. His family forgot about him, he needed to escape. Which is what he found in neverland."

"But that doesn't excuse the fact that boy has a serious attitude problem. The whole story is silly, I mean fairies, and mermaids, and pirates. Its all goofy bedtime stories."

"Not always, the story is about enjoying your childhood, and not trying to grow up so quickly."

Aria stared at him "yeah well sometimes your forced to grow up early."

"What do you mean Darling?" he asked her.

She quickly looked away, "Nothing. Lets just figure out what we already know about the tale, and start from there. And stop calling me Darling!"

He laughed, "Whatever you say."

Answer
Tiny and petite mean much the same thing, No point in stacking them.

The adjective is "red-headed." The noun is "redhead." (hyphen + past part., no hyphen) If your spelling checker tells you different, get a real dead-tree dictionary.

"Ran off" (here) means no more than ran, lose the off.

"Pared" means trimmed or peeled. People divided into groups of two are "paired."

"Wasn't" - do not use contractions in narration. Let the reader's eye do the contractions.

>Mrs. Henry smiled, "Okay, each group will be assigned a fairy tale, and research the story. You will each write a six page report about the story, and present the report to the class, retelling the tale in your own words." The teacher snatched the clipboard ...

A paragraph with a speech is should always be about the speaker. But "the teacher" her is confusing. Is "the teacher" another person? If not, why not "she"? We know she is the teacher because she is conducting the class. Snatched? Really? Was an alligator about to eat the clipboard?



A noun of address is set off from a speech by a comma, and usually is not capitalized. ("Darling")

Try to eliminate as many adverbs as possible. The verb is the most power part of speech. Adverbs, because they limit verbs, are the weakest. "Quickly, heavily"

>Mariah said before winking, and dancing to her seat.

Keep attributions short and simple. "Mariah said. She winked and danced to her seat."
Danced -- really?

Peter stared at her "I don't know, he se..." At lease a comma here. A period would be fine.

>Aria sunk deeper into her seat,

Is the seat made of quicksand? Classroom seats generally are not very plush. You mean "slumped," don't you?

>And stop calling me Darling!" Single quotes for quote within quote::"And stop calling me 'Darling'!"

>he asked her.

Keep attributions as simple as possible: he asked. There is no one else he could be asking, right? Simple attributions "said," "asked" are invisible to the reader. Do not do anything that makes them stand out.

>He flashed her a sexy grin "But --- some punctuation here, comma or period. Could this possibly be "leered." I'm not exactly clear on what a sexy grin is, and object to flashing unless that means he is exposing himself.

lets -- unless that means rents, should be "let's."

cant -- can't, unless you mean self-righteous, doctrinaire speech.

>she was quickly cut off

Really? She was cut off? Or drowned out?

>your my partner, -- you're.

I could go on, but I've spent an hour on your story already, and I am not sure you want anything other than the head-patters.

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Title Post: What do you think of the start of my book? please help :)?
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